What? Parenting is hard? Who said?

I don't know why people would complain that parenting is hard. Once I read through the 876,548,992 page manual "Step by Step - How to be a parent" that they gave me at the hospital, it has been so easy... IN BIZZARO WORLD...

So, shocker...being a parent is really, really hard! As we know, there are no real manuals; there is almost no-one that can tell you what to do and it's going to actually work. This is all by the seat of your pants...and my pants are pretty thin.

I don't mean to alienate anyone reading that does not have children...but it might help to explain our irrational behavior at times. First, I love all 3 of my children more than life itself. They are my total world and existence and I really mean that. However, there are times when being a parent just really, really sucks!

What is being a parent? There are the basic elements - the physical care and feeding of your child; the clothing; education; the basic fundamental needs. Then there are the moral obligations if you will; teaching your child right from wrong; how to love; share; be friends, what is socially acceptable, etc. These are the hardest...am I doing this right? What if I am doing it wrong, am I scarring them for life? I mean, I am not perfect myself...what if I have been doing it wrong all these years and now I am supposed to teach someone else? It's very scary when you stop and think about it.

I started thinking about this topic recently as my oldest son has been having some "issues". He just started 1st grade and came from a very loosy-goosy private kindergarten that our daycare had. So it was going from a free-for-all class of 6, to a for real this is big kid now class of 25 in a real live school. Needless to say...there have been some adjustments. (Re. the 6 afore mentioned phone calls from the school...). He's acting out a bit in class; mainly talking too much (can't imagine where he got that from!). He has some trouble focusing and paying attention. But the disturbing bit is he is getting into some altercations with other kids. Some he is just retaliating, and some he started. He also has been acting up at home, more than normal. What makes all this worse, is this is not like him. I know it's the Mama Mantra of "This is not my boy, he would never do anything like that. It's not like him". Well...on one hand that is true, but on the other, he did. If he was like this constantly, then maybe it would be easier because we have something concrete to deal with and to expect. But, he is usually so sweet and even natured, that this phase is hard to understand.

Now, I know this a little bit normal for 6 year old boys and I should not get over freaky. And really, his transgressions are not the main point here. The main point, is how do we handle? This is where it gets hard. My husband and I have finally seen a pattern; the harder we come down on him, the worse he gets. It's a vicious cycle of which everyone is a loser. He cries, I cry; we all get frustrated. There are times where I just want to give up and say fine, forget it, do what you want, I don't care. And I have said that. And I have felt like the biggest failure as a parent. And surprisingly, he doesn't like it either. He looks at me like, what? I am not getting in trouble? He is confused, and I know that even he knows he needs boundaries, limits, and the dreaded consequences.

But, this is what I signed up for,right? I love the smiles, the games, the giggles, the wet, sloppy kisses, the sweet hugs and cuddles. I love when they learn new things and are so excited. I just love when they are happy. It would be wonderful if that was all it is, but it's not. So, here is where we take the good with the bad. And this is where being a parent can suck. Who wants to make their child cry because you have punished them? You can only use your parent tune-out for so long before you realize how upset they truly are. But, you have to stand your ground...and it is your responsibility to do this. You can't give up on them, or yourself. Sometimes, it takes every ounce of my energy to not completely lose it on them...the frustration just builds so much. This is when I know I just have to remove myself from the situation. Tom and I have learned when to butt in on each other and suggest the other one just walk away for a bit. I am very lucky to have such a wonderful partner that can help me, and I him.

And the thing is...he is only 6! We have many, many more years of this. And I have a feeling being a parent never actually ends, even when they grow up and have their own family. I just recently witnessed this with my own mother. My parents were here for a visit and my son and I were having a typical stand off. I could see my mother struggling with something within herself. I know she desperately wanted to put in her two cents, but on the other hand, she knew I needed to do this myself as the mother, whether I was doing it right or wrong. The old live and learn lesson. She was torn with being the parent (to me) and being an observer.

I guess what kills me the most, is you just want your child to be happy. No matter what or how. And sometimes that is just not possible. We can't make the other kids like them; we can't stop him from doing dumb things, we can't make him remember "Oh, if I do this...I will get in trouble like last time".

What we can do is be there and love him. My old saying is that sometimes, you just have to stop and hold the baby. I learned this from the beginning...you might be busy, you might not be in the mood, but sometimes, they just really need you and you just have to stop and hold the baby. That baby might be 3 months old, be 6 years old, be 18 years old, but you still just need to stop. And amazingly, it will do yourself a world of good as well.

I know a lot of this was disjointed, it was more getting it off my chest. Admitting to myself that it IS hard, I don't have all the answers and there are going to be times that I just want to walk away and say whatever, but I can't. This is what being a parent is about....

Long story short...we have eased up a bit on the punishments, have worked out smiley face systems where if he gets x number of smiley faces from school and home then he gets a treat. (not toys, but something special like lunch out with Mom, or go to a movie or something.) I have been letting him set schedules and have more control. It seems to be working. He is doing much, much better at school and at home.

Sure, this is not over...sure there are going to be setbacks. (Call me tonight around 8 when he is still at the table pushing the peas around on his plate...), but we are all in this together. I hope this helps somewhat...knowing there is someone else feeling the same way maybe? I am willing to bet one or two of you might have felt like this a little. And if not....did you really read the 876,548,992 page manual and can you lend it me????

And for the love of all things parenting...if you have any pearls of wisdom...please share with the class!

And finally, to answer the question...is it worth it??? Absolutely and emphatically YES! For every hysterical meltdown, there are 10 times the laughing and giggles and kisses and funny sayings and silly dances and made up songs and pure love. So yes, definately worth it.

What did I learn today? Don't eat chili at work...ooh...both gross and childish...a two-fer for you. I can't be serious all the time! :-)

xox

Kerri