What? Parenting is hard? Who said?

I don't know why people would complain that parenting is hard. Once I read through the 876,548,992 page manual "Step by Step - How to be a parent" that they gave me at the hospital, it has been so easy... IN BIZZARO WORLD...

So, shocker...being a parent is really, really hard! As we know, there are no real manuals; there is almost no-one that can tell you what to do and it's going to actually work. This is all by the seat of your pants...and my pants are pretty thin.

I don't mean to alienate anyone reading that does not have children...but it might help to explain our irrational behavior at times. First, I love all 3 of my children more than life itself. They are my total world and existence and I really mean that. However, there are times when being a parent just really, really sucks!

What is being a parent? There are the basic elements - the physical care and feeding of your child; the clothing; education; the basic fundamental needs. Then there are the moral obligations if you will; teaching your child right from wrong; how to love; share; be friends, what is socially acceptable, etc. These are the hardest...am I doing this right? What if I am doing it wrong, am I scarring them for life? I mean, I am not perfect myself...what if I have been doing it wrong all these years and now I am supposed to teach someone else? It's very scary when you stop and think about it.

I started thinking about this topic recently as my oldest son has been having some "issues". He just started 1st grade and came from a very loosy-goosy private kindergarten that our daycare had. So it was going from a free-for-all class of 6, to a for real this is big kid now class of 25 in a real live school. Needless to say...there have been some adjustments. (Re. the 6 afore mentioned phone calls from the school...). He's acting out a bit in class; mainly talking too much (can't imagine where he got that from!). He has some trouble focusing and paying attention. But the disturbing bit is he is getting into some altercations with other kids. Some he is just retaliating, and some he started. He also has been acting up at home, more than normal. What makes all this worse, is this is not like him. I know it's the Mama Mantra of "This is not my boy, he would never do anything like that. It's not like him". Well...on one hand that is true, but on the other, he did. If he was like this constantly, then maybe it would be easier because we have something concrete to deal with and to expect. But, he is usually so sweet and even natured, that this phase is hard to understand.

Now, I know this a little bit normal for 6 year old boys and I should not get over freaky. And really, his transgressions are not the main point here. The main point, is how do we handle? This is where it gets hard. My husband and I have finally seen a pattern; the harder we come down on him, the worse he gets. It's a vicious cycle of which everyone is a loser. He cries, I cry; we all get frustrated. There are times where I just want to give up and say fine, forget it, do what you want, I don't care. And I have said that. And I have felt like the biggest failure as a parent. And surprisingly, he doesn't like it either. He looks at me like, what? I am not getting in trouble? He is confused, and I know that even he knows he needs boundaries, limits, and the dreaded consequences.

But, this is what I signed up for,right? I love the smiles, the games, the giggles, the wet, sloppy kisses, the sweet hugs and cuddles. I love when they learn new things and are so excited. I just love when they are happy. It would be wonderful if that was all it is, but it's not. So, here is where we take the good with the bad. And this is where being a parent can suck. Who wants to make their child cry because you have punished them? You can only use your parent tune-out for so long before you realize how upset they truly are. But, you have to stand your ground...and it is your responsibility to do this. You can't give up on them, or yourself. Sometimes, it takes every ounce of my energy to not completely lose it on them...the frustration just builds so much. This is when I know I just have to remove myself from the situation. Tom and I have learned when to butt in on each other and suggest the other one just walk away for a bit. I am very lucky to have such a wonderful partner that can help me, and I him.

And the thing is...he is only 6! We have many, many more years of this. And I have a feeling being a parent never actually ends, even when they grow up and have their own family. I just recently witnessed this with my own mother. My parents were here for a visit and my son and I were having a typical stand off. I could see my mother struggling with something within herself. I know she desperately wanted to put in her two cents, but on the other hand, she knew I needed to do this myself as the mother, whether I was doing it right or wrong. The old live and learn lesson. She was torn with being the parent (to me) and being an observer.

I guess what kills me the most, is you just want your child to be happy. No matter what or how. And sometimes that is just not possible. We can't make the other kids like them; we can't stop him from doing dumb things, we can't make him remember "Oh, if I do this...I will get in trouble like last time".

What we can do is be there and love him. My old saying is that sometimes, you just have to stop and hold the baby. I learned this from the beginning...you might be busy, you might not be in the mood, but sometimes, they just really need you and you just have to stop and hold the baby. That baby might be 3 months old, be 6 years old, be 18 years old, but you still just need to stop. And amazingly, it will do yourself a world of good as well.

I know a lot of this was disjointed, it was more getting it off my chest. Admitting to myself that it IS hard, I don't have all the answers and there are going to be times that I just want to walk away and say whatever, but I can't. This is what being a parent is about....

Long story short...we have eased up a bit on the punishments, have worked out smiley face systems where if he gets x number of smiley faces from school and home then he gets a treat. (not toys, but something special like lunch out with Mom, or go to a movie or something.) I have been letting him set schedules and have more control. It seems to be working. He is doing much, much better at school and at home.

Sure, this is not over...sure there are going to be setbacks. (Call me tonight around 8 when he is still at the table pushing the peas around on his plate...), but we are all in this together. I hope this helps somewhat...knowing there is someone else feeling the same way maybe? I am willing to bet one or two of you might have felt like this a little. And if not....did you really read the 876,548,992 page manual and can you lend it me????

And for the love of all things parenting...if you have any pearls of wisdom...please share with the class!

And finally, to answer the question...is it worth it??? Absolutely and emphatically YES! For every hysterical meltdown, there are 10 times the laughing and giggles and kisses and funny sayings and silly dances and made up songs and pure love. So yes, definately worth it.

What did I learn today? Don't eat chili at work...ooh...both gross and childish...a two-fer for you. I can't be serious all the time! :-)

xox

Kerri

Round Two...Easy-Peasy

Ok, kids in bed...check. Kitchen cleaned....well, kinda...we had special McDonalds treat night, so we didn't generate dinner dishes, so what's the point of unloading the dishwasher for just a few cups and our lunch things? So, if you checked with Tom, he might give you a different point accompanied by the famous Donovan Frown, so actually, don't check with Tom. Plus he's in bed reading with his old man glasses on. He won't find out until the morning.

Where was I? Kitchen cleaned...let's give it a half-hearted check. Twins lunches made...check. My cat Ethan curled up in the chair next to me...snoring...check. (Have you ever heard a cat snore? Come over and listen...).

Comfy at the PC and ready to Blog...check.

Ok, then go...Blog....

Ummm...go? 1-2-3- GO Blog....hmmm...nothing.

Pause....I have been watching the cursor blink for like 3 minutes. Still nothing. Ok, this is not quite what I had in mind. Fantasizing in my car about the world changing blog I had created the other night, I envisioned sitting down as an evening ritual and banging off some incredibly inspiring bit of wisdom just waiting to be read by the masses.

Um, right.......I have 3 followers....one is one of my bestest friends and I made her do it. One is someone I don't think I know, and one (Bless her soul) is a dear friend who actually did it on her own. I sent the link to my mom, and I am not sure she has even read it. Ego blow?

All besides the point, because actually, I don't really know what to say or what I want this blog to be. Do I take the cutesy route and have daily stories about my cherubs? Do I attempt to have a knowledgeable discussion about events of the world? Do I hand out pearls of wisdom on parenting (me of the 6 phone calls from the Vice-Principal parent, HA!) Do I just prattle on with nonsense?

Sigh, this is going to be much harder than I thought. So, what do I want out of this? Hmmm...well, honestly, to entertain people would be one. To use this space as a kind of therapy for myself; some light hearted soul-searching if you will. Like I said previously, I need some direction in my life. I need something that is for ME. I know none of you out there ever feel like that...

I have limited resources...ie. we's poor...so I can't really do anything money wise. I have limited time...ie. I work full time and have 1 husband, 3 kids (twin 2 year olds, so that raises the ante right there...they are really the equivalent of 3 kids, so it's like having 4 kids) 2 cats, a house and Facebook. (just kidding on the last one...actually not. That does take up a lot of my time especially because I have to somehow beat Kevin in Suduku and make sure that Rob doesn't beat my Mahjong score. Then there's the obligatory "liking" of everyone's pictures, my daily status reports and the witty responses to my friend's statuses). So, anyway, I don't have a lot of time to do something extra and too involved. This seems like a good outlet.

Eventually, I do want to get involved in stuff; give back to the community, etc. I am not sure this blog will help with that, but getting my ideas set out might spur me on to actually follow through with some of them.

I will have to ponder this some more. I think maybe I will include in each one..."What did I learn today?" because that is something worthwhile.

What did I learn today? (oops...blinking cursor again) (still blinking cursor) I learned some work stuff yesterday...does that count? Ok, this is really hard....you try it. Try and think of something worthwhile you learned from the day. Let's make this our pact...we will all try and come up daily with something worthwhile that we have learned that day. That should be a good thing, right? It can be good or bad; it can be small or earth shattering. If you get a chance...post them to my comments. (BTW (That's By The Way for my parents benefit...), the comments are not showing and I can't figure out what the deal is. There is a little pencil at the bottom and you can click on that.)

Sorry, procrastinating....still have not come up with my learning. Ummm....ok, well, this isn't new per se...but rather reinforced...there is nothing better than picking up your kids from daycare / school and they drop everything and come running over to you screaming MOMMY! at the top of their lungs. In that instance I am the most important person in the world and you can almost physically see the bond between yourself and the children; tying you together for eternity.

Ok, well strangely my pinkie finger has fallen asleep as has my left foot, so maybe I should quit for now. I am going to catch the rest of the game "GO RED SOX!!!!" (That will be a blog unto itself) and finish reading the new Dan Brown book on my blackberry (Barnes and Noble e-Reader...awesome).

xox

Kerri - Blogger

My First Time...

So, to blog or not to blog? Actually, I am not quite sure what a "blog" is. However, I have been told several times I should "blog", so here I am.

So, I am taking the plunge. Imagine as I timidly approach a huge door marked "BLOG". I open it, and in a small squeaky voice say...hello? BLOG BLOG BLOG BLOG, whirlwinds of blogs zoom past the open door (Think Poltergeist when they open the door to the kid's bedroom to show that tiny witch lady, after the closet sucked the kids away.)

What am I doing? All these bloggers have something IMPORTANT to say...I am just yet another funny mommy, living my life. (Shoo, I say to that skeleton guy riding the horse...I'll put you in time out and give you a one-two-three spanking!)

We really have Facebook to blame. I admit...I might, might be a little bit of a facebook addict. And I just might find the "What's on your mind?" spot a little too confining. If you have ever gone back and edited out the "ands" and replaced them with & and maybe written a few words in texting...you know what I mean. BTW...don't worry about the fancy texting here...I am not 12. You will get the basic LOL, LMAO, BTW and maybe a smiley face or two....that's about it.

So anyway...my point here? Don't have one. I just need an outlet for my day-to-day mommy dramas. I do enjoy writing however....missed my calling. Should have been a copy writer or the person that writes the blurbs on stupid.com for their products...that would be a dream job!

So rules...

No politics...unless something just gets my goat and I feel the need to generate a letter. Seldom happens. Sometimes I respond to a political thing on FB and then I feel guilty if I happen to go against the tide (since I am still a "please like me" teenager at heart) so I usually just stay out of it.

My spelling and grammar are atrocious. If I spelled that right, it's because of spell check, but usually even spellcheck gives up on me.

I would welcome and love feedback (as long as it's pure adoration for me). I encourage discussions, comments, tales of your own, etc. I assume you can do that here; not positive as this is my first posting...we'll see.

So a tiny bit about me. I have been married for 11 wonderful years to truly my best friend. We started out as friends, well kinda. I thought he was a jerk the very first time I talked to him. Who does he think he is? What an a$$! This preceded about 5 years of friendship before we realized that there was a reason we were such good friends...we were apparently in love. So, here we are, all these years later, and I still say, OMG (Ok, I might be 12 after all) I married him? My best buddy? I could not have made a better choice. To underline the fact, not only do we work at the same company, we do the same thing, have the same boss and sit right next to each other. A lot of 24x7 love in our house.

We have 3 wonderful children. And yes, they are the cutest, the brightest, the most adorable children in the whole world. Yours might be all that too...but mine are these best. I am just gonna lay that right out there, cause really, isn't it what we all think of our own?

We have a 6 year old son, who just started 1st grade. Care to guess how many calls we have received from the school which has only been in session for 2 weeks? 6 calls. Enough said....

We also have twin 2 year olds...a little girl and boy. My youngest son was just recently seen running through the house with a sock in his mouth...think little yellow lab puppy and that is him. My daughter...barks commands like "No running! Walk!" and so and so...NO! NO! Bad!...all the while standing on top of the kitchen table. When reprimanded, she will turn the sweetest dimpled smile on you that just melts your heart...I am in soooooo much trouble with that one.

We live the suburban life. We have a mini-van...I'm sorry, you just can't look cool in a minivan. I refuse to drive it. We live in Cow-Hampshire...but the cool part. Yes, there is one...

And that is it.

So, now I need your help....help me blog. Oh yeah... I totally forgot about the Ann Landers type column I did in school...I just remembered it. Huh...anyway....help me find some direction in my life. In the meantime, I will just keep everyone up to date on the going's on in this circus.

We can all do this together...any maybe learn something as we do it. Nothing is a mistake if you learn something from it. Oh geez...I am channeling all that Karma stuff from one of my bestest friends who thinks I listen to her when she goes on about the chakra-kahn and her healing stones. I just smile politely and nod.

So, hello world...I am here! I am stepping through the crazy Poltergeist door, hopping into one of those flying hotwheels and going for it!

xox

Kerri - Blogger

ps...my profile pic sums it up....doing shots out of Sippy Cups. Now, that is a Mom!