“I am my own Columbus...or…a bizarro stream of blogging consciousness late one night when left to my own devices…”

So the yearly, possibly bi-yearly, blog entry is upon us. Why now? I have found myself in my own Age of Discovery. The past year and, well, really, several years, have been a time of change -- profound and complete, utter change. Along with that change, comes new discoveries. I shall attempt to explain....

However, where should I even start? Well...the obvious...the beginning, the catalyst of it all is that Tom and I separated over a year ago and are getting a divorce. Quite a shock to some. Well...a shock to me (us) as well...but expected. Really, we have not been in love in years...we are still very close, but that is all we have been....close friends, and that does not solely a marriage make. So, as hard it was, we decided enough is enough and we both deserved more. Of course, it was not as easy and cut and dry as that, and there was more to it than that. How can one be married for 14 years and just say oh well, it was fun, but time to move on. You can't. There are the self doubts....could I have done more, could we have done more? Can we try again? What about the children? The answers are no, I could not have done more, WE could not have done more, and quite frankly, we finally admitted we did not want to do more. Yes, there were anger and tears and soul tearing pain, but if there wasn't, then that really does invalidate the past 14 years and where does that leave you? To have a 14 year hole in your life?

Of course, that hole is filled with wonderful memories....and the most important thing of all....the true loves of both our lives...our 3 children. One of my personal quotes is "Nothing is a mistake if you learn from it"....and I have turned to this thought often over the past year. Perhaps it was a mistake that Tom and I got married. Possibly we both mistook loving each other for being truly in love. I am not really sure I can say. It doesn't matter. We have three wonderful children, we still love and respect each other, and we have learned and grown from it all. The how and why we arrived here is not important. What is important is that we did before it was too late.

So what have I learned?

Wow...so many things. Somewhere along the way, I lost myself. I had the "perfect" life. I had the husband that I enjoyed being around and we NEVER fought. I had the house, I had the career, I had the children. I was living what I had always dreamed of when I was younger. But, looking back...I realized how much of a facade it all was. I lost ME. I let myself go...both physically and mentally. I lost that girl with the fire in her eyes and the drive and determination to BE someone and to do something that would leave a mark...not matter how trivial it was. Of course, my children are my lasting mark and I promise to them and to myself that it will be worthwhile. But...again, somewhere along the way, I lost ME. I was playing the part, and honestly, playing it badly. What this divorce, this year of change, has shown me is that now, more than ever, I need to find that fire in my eyes and find my way again. I need to do this for myself and for my children. I feel like I am waiting for something, but I don't know what.

I recently met someone very special and dear to me. (And oh good lord...that is a blogginess in itself....), but they have caused me to re-examine myself, no holds barred, gloves off. At times it has been painful and I have not liked what I have seen. But, above all...they have forced me to honest. I, more than possibly anyone, know that you can't hid from yourself in the dark of night. I can play the spitfire part during the day...but you cannot lie to yourself as you lay in bed in the dark. That is when the "ugly" truths come out. But...not all the truths are ugly and that is what I am slowly accepting. Everything is in my power to change. I am talking about becoming that girl again with the fire and the drive and the ambitions and the desires and the love. My friend asks me often...how badly do I want it? I want it so badly, it hurts. And I realize this is a make or break time of it. I need to grow up. I have 3 little people who are depending on me...not only for the materialistic things, but as a role model and a shaper of their lives. Not only do I owe it to myself, but I owe to them...and to all those that love and care about me.

So, what have I discovered?

Well....yeah....10 pounds turns into 20, which turn into 30, 40, 50 and much, much, more and pretty soon you are very much quite the opposite of the “shadow of your former self”. HA! So addressing the weight issue has so many different layers. Obviously, there are the health issues and just plain not being “hot” anymore. Those are easy. But…what did it really do to me? I lost my self-confidence. I was not the object of desire anymore. I did not have men fawn over me like they used to. I could go on and on about what it is to be overweight in this society and maybe that will be my next blog. But for now, the most important realization is what it did to my psyche. I turned inward, I did not want to draw attention to myself. I had the self doubts…who is going to pay attention to me? I was dismissed so many times because of the way that I looked (look), it really affected me in ways beyond just a self image. Like I said, I lost my self respect. Weight loss turned into a punishment. I had the mentality of like, well…if you don’t like me for who I am, then I am not going to change…that will show you. YIKES!

But…I started losing weight. Health issues started to get better. None of my clothes fit anymore. I go shopping and still automatically reach for the largest size and am slowly learning…no, I don’t need that anymore. Now I actually take smaller sizes and go try them on and often I need even smaller. My jeans are falling off of me (literally), because I actually can’t afford to keep buying new ones to keep up with the smaller sizes. All that is great and fantastic. But, you know what is even better? My self confidence is coming back. I can look people in the eye. I can realize shallowness from those that still dismiss me and know that is THEIR problem, not mine. I still have a long way to go, and I know it’s going to take a while…but I am doing it and I WILL do it. Yes, I want that healthy girl back (I know the SKINNY girl is long gone…I am 42 after all)….but more importantly, I want my self confidence back.

What else?

Well…I am done with being the push over. I gave up, I gave in just to keep the peace because I hate conflict. I settled, which is possibly the worst thing of all. Now, I am not going to say I am going to turn into the raving bitch from hell; demanding my way or no way. But along with the new found self confidence, I find I don’t have to settle anymore. Of course, this all easy to say on paper…it’s putting this into action that counts and is the block I need to overcome. Sometimes refusing to settle is letting go of the things you want the most, and that is a very, very hard thing to do. But, I can pick my battles if you will. Settling does not always have to be a bad thing….often it goes hand in hand with compromise. The first step is to realize if you are just settling…and then, what are you going to do about it. Is it worth it? Will it ultimately make things worse? Or, can it be the compromise you hope. I guess the question is what are you setting about or for? How will it affect you?

Without going into details…I finally stood up for myself in something major, and I feel really good about it. It’s like breaking the seal on something…I now know I can do this going forward. Of course, I still have a modicum of guilt, but I did it, it worked, and the world did not end.

Going Forward….

What am I going to do going forward? I so envy my friend who has such a drive and a passion. I said to him tonight…I was antsy and I finally figured out why. So much has changed in the past few weeks and days even. It’s like all the things he has been saying to me over the past few months have finally sunk in. All the positive changes that I need to make are finally bubbling up. I have always heard them; I knew they were there…but my self punishment was not allowing me to make them. But for whatever reason…I think I am finally hearing them and ready for them.

One of them is realizing, that yes, maybe…I do have a talent for writing and editing. My friend is an incredible writer and is working on yet another novel. He graciously allows me to read his work in progress and listens to my suggestions. We both discovered that I am actually pretty good at editing and coming up with suggestions. So, maybe this is something that I need to start to pursue on a higher level. Of course, writing this blog more than once a year is probably a good place to start.

I just want to be excited about something and have that passion. It would be fulfilling on so many levels. Again, it’s the self confidence…can I write something that anyone would be interested in? At least I know that is not a unique way of thinking…all writers probably feel the same way at some point.

What are your thoughts?

And finally….

I do apologize for this random stream of consciousness. I think it’s definitely more of a confessional for me. I do not regret the end of my marriage as the alternative would be for us to stay together and that is just not a good thing for anyone. Me, Tom, or the children. Of course, no one wants a marriage to end and I suppose I do regret the THEORY of my marriage ending, but not the actual marriage. One thing I am struggling with is that at times, I do have a lot of anger. Anger that I am in a position of having to be a single mom, of having to sell my house, of moving into a smaller condo, of what this may or may not be doing to the children (although, they seem to have adjusted well). Anger at the financial position and toll it has taken on us and that I can’t give my kids everything they deserve. Anger at the prospect of facing the future alone. What makes all this worse, is I have no where to place all this anger. Its both of our faults. And wishing things were different would be to wish we get back together, which neither of us want. I can say that with 100% certainty. But, I think I am learning the old cliché of taking that anger and channeling it into something good. Cliches are clichés for a reason…they are tried and true.

Ok, so that was all very heavy. I promise, next year’s entry will be about my new Coach purse, my new iPhone, and all the BLING I am sure to receive from someone in particular!

So…in closing…let me leave you with this quote which really sums everything up for me:

"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." - E.M. Forster.

And so today, starts the rest of my life....