Hope Springs Eternal

I told you….I might actually get more than one blog entry out this year. Now, that is hope! A friend and I were chatting and the subject of hope came up, something she has been thinking about a lot lately. She had written the below, which I would really like to share as in many ways, it really does hit home. The politics aside…the important message is keep hope alive. We all talk about it…but do we really practice it? We are constantly bombarded with news items that are just shocking…how can the human race behave in such a way? And then, the media will try and balance it out with a human interest story and we all say “Awww….” And then we forward it on Facebook and YouTube and emails and tweets….and then promptly forget about it.

But how many of us actually have true hope? And what is hope?

So, I admit, this blog entry is the lazy man’s blog…in that I am not really the one that is writing it. I am merely the vessel this time for someone that really should PUBLISH HER OWN BLOG. Just saying…

“Hope” by KTP

"When finally forced to listen, they are unable to hear. I heard that on the radio the other day and it struck a chord. Later that week I heard it in a song. He said “We have the right to free speech, but we need to exercise our right to listen” There are so many people involved in protests to occupy Wall Street. That turned into people occupying EVERYWHERE. Yes, it’s a right, a right to assemble…with a permit.

A friend sent me a picture of “Occupy Norfolk”, it was two dirty hippies. Eventually the “weekend protesters” showed up to help the hippies with their cause. The permit expired and the city police had to come in and remove people. On the news I saw two cops in riot gear carrying a chick out of the park as she was singing some protest song, as if she was fighting for civil rights in the 60s. It rubbed me the wrong way.

I’m all for standing up for what you believe in and exercising your rights. However, I think there are more important things to stand up for and speak about, to lobby for and to find a solution for right now. That clip of the chick being carried out keeps running through my mind. It seems as if they are all lemmings. It could be a grass roots movement, but do they know what they are there for? Are they really occupied every day with what’s happening on Wall Street? Do they realize that climate change is happening, and fully understand the impact it will have on where we live? Do they think about cleaning up the waterways? Or helping the service men and women coming home, again, in our community? Or helping kids? Or improving health care? Or education? Or unemployment? Or violence and crime in our community? They are singing and chanting and making signs, but are they listening? Are they trying to make a change, or just bitching and showing their strange right to entitlement their generation, but more so the next generations, seem to have. I don’t get it.

And why is it like that? Has everything just been handed to everyone? Do parents just give in and give kids whatever they want? Is life too easy? Is it too hard? Do we try as much as we should? Do we work hard enough? Does a moral compass exist? Where is the compassion I use to see?

HOPE?

Is the world so messed up that we have given up? I know I feel like giving up on society. I feel that way most of the time.

My friend gives me hope. Hope for sunny days. Hope for the future. Hope for a change, a change for the better. Hope that I won’t have nightmares and night terrors for the rest of my life. Hope that I’ll be whole again. Hope that I’ll be strong someday. Hope when we find small pockets of kindness and compassion.

I have had to slim my search for hope down to noticing hope in very minute acts of kindness. Just in a simple action of someone holding the door open for another person entering or exiting a store. The fact they came out of their own little world for a moment to look behind them, pause, hold the door open for someone, and hearing that tiny response “thanks”. It’s dreadful how often that doesn’t happen. Or the simple text message I get from a friend every morning to simply to wish me a good day. That gives me a lot of hope.

I’m in no way perfect. I know I’m a screw up. I try to be good, good as I can be. I try to pay attention to what I do and say. I often do and say the wrong things. I try to fix what I break. I try to apologize, be honest, be kind, and have compassion…. I try.

I hear hope in children laughing. I see a glimpse of it when strangers say good morning. I saw hope in a friend’s tear-filled eyes as I hugged him and whispered in his ear “I got you”. I feel it when I skip rocks. I wish for it as I watch the sunrise on a new day.

I have lost hope, found it, set it on fire, lost it again. I feel so defeated. I’m starting my own grassroots movement, my own “occupy something”. I’m trying to find hope anywhere I can and spread it to one person at a time. Maybe they’ll hold the door open for the next person, and maybe others will do the same. Maybe people will stop seeing all the negativity and look for the positivity that is going on around them.

Stop and listen, there’s a revolution underway.”

I think she completely nails it. We can all hope for the big things and changes in life. But really, it’s the small things that matter the most. That is what real change and hope are built on. It’s like that TV commercial that is a “pay it forward” thing…it’s the little things that keep life and hope going. Could you imagine what would happen if we all did something, even something small and seemingly meaningless? But imagine if we ALL did that, what kind of impact would it have on the world in general?

So, what truly is hope? Is it wishful thinking? Is it an unwavering belief in something, anything? What does hope mean to you? Hope to me also means to believe. You HAVE to believe in something, even if you believe in nothing. Without faith, and I don't mean religion, but the belief in something, we really all are nothing.

And here is a thought. What if we all gave up on hope? What if we all said, "Oh well, it's never going to happen to me, so why bother?" Giving up on hope and faith and the belief in something good, is giving up on life. I picture the bleak, dreary, gray non-existence of a post apocalyptic world.

So, how does this all apply to me? I think her last paragraph really speaks to me. I feel so much like that….all part of the new ME. Sure, I can be mopey and woe-is me…but that gets you nowhere, and nowhere fast. I am looking for my own “occupy something”. Instead of forwarding cute little “aww” stories on Facebook…how about living and creating the “aww” stories? Make my own. I know it’s not Thanksgiving, because I am not lying on the coach, bloated with my pants unbuttoned trying to position myself so that I can even just breath because I am so freaking full…but maybe it’s time for the “What I Am Thankful For” Checklist. I don’t really want to list it out here now. Besides, what will I write about at Thanksgiving? But…I am thinking about it in my mind.

During our chat session, my friend also came out with this gem “….the other side of it. You have to see and appreciate the little things people do for you too…” That is so very true as well. Taking the time to stop thinking about me, me, me…and realizing and accepting what others do for me. How they are generating their own hope, and for me to really appreciate it and to let them know that I do.

So, seriously….this blog entry really was written by KTP. I am just a really good cut and paster. But, it’s a lot of food for thought.

So…finally, she also sent me a little poem thing (she was ON FIRE today!) which the last line I feel like I should get tattooed somewhere (no suggestions from the Peanut Gallery on where…but we know where it would fit….sigh….)

“Falling down is part of life…Getting back up is living” Word.

Ok, and before anyone’s knickers get in a twist….I think my next blogginess will be devoted to FRIENDS. (Not the TV show…although that would really be super cool. I had a dream once that Rachel and I were best friends and we were soooo cool!) But Friends in life. What are friends and what they mean to me. YOU will definitely know who YOU are….xoxox

Till Soon…

Kerri

“I am my own Columbus...or…a bizarro stream of blogging consciousness late one night when left to my own devices…”

So the yearly, possibly bi-yearly, blog entry is upon us. Why now? I have found myself in my own Age of Discovery. The past year and, well, really, several years, have been a time of change -- profound and complete, utter change. Along with that change, comes new discoveries. I shall attempt to explain....

However, where should I even start? Well...the obvious...the beginning, the catalyst of it all is that Tom and I separated over a year ago and are getting a divorce. Quite a shock to some. Well...a shock to me (us) as well...but expected. Really, we have not been in love in years...we are still very close, but that is all we have been....close friends, and that does not solely a marriage make. So, as hard it was, we decided enough is enough and we both deserved more. Of course, it was not as easy and cut and dry as that, and there was more to it than that. How can one be married for 14 years and just say oh well, it was fun, but time to move on. You can't. There are the self doubts....could I have done more, could we have done more? Can we try again? What about the children? The answers are no, I could not have done more, WE could not have done more, and quite frankly, we finally admitted we did not want to do more. Yes, there were anger and tears and soul tearing pain, but if there wasn't, then that really does invalidate the past 14 years and where does that leave you? To have a 14 year hole in your life?

Of course, that hole is filled with wonderful memories....and the most important thing of all....the true loves of both our lives...our 3 children. One of my personal quotes is "Nothing is a mistake if you learn from it"....and I have turned to this thought often over the past year. Perhaps it was a mistake that Tom and I got married. Possibly we both mistook loving each other for being truly in love. I am not really sure I can say. It doesn't matter. We have three wonderful children, we still love and respect each other, and we have learned and grown from it all. The how and why we arrived here is not important. What is important is that we did before it was too late.

So what have I learned?

Wow...so many things. Somewhere along the way, I lost myself. I had the "perfect" life. I had the husband that I enjoyed being around and we NEVER fought. I had the house, I had the career, I had the children. I was living what I had always dreamed of when I was younger. But, looking back...I realized how much of a facade it all was. I lost ME. I let myself go...both physically and mentally. I lost that girl with the fire in her eyes and the drive and determination to BE someone and to do something that would leave a mark...not matter how trivial it was. Of course, my children are my lasting mark and I promise to them and to myself that it will be worthwhile. But...again, somewhere along the way, I lost ME. I was playing the part, and honestly, playing it badly. What this divorce, this year of change, has shown me is that now, more than ever, I need to find that fire in my eyes and find my way again. I need to do this for myself and for my children. I feel like I am waiting for something, but I don't know what.

I recently met someone very special and dear to me. (And oh good lord...that is a blogginess in itself....), but they have caused me to re-examine myself, no holds barred, gloves off. At times it has been painful and I have not liked what I have seen. But, above all...they have forced me to honest. I, more than possibly anyone, know that you can't hid from yourself in the dark of night. I can play the spitfire part during the day...but you cannot lie to yourself as you lay in bed in the dark. That is when the "ugly" truths come out. But...not all the truths are ugly and that is what I am slowly accepting. Everything is in my power to change. I am talking about becoming that girl again with the fire and the drive and the ambitions and the desires and the love. My friend asks me often...how badly do I want it? I want it so badly, it hurts. And I realize this is a make or break time of it. I need to grow up. I have 3 little people who are depending on me...not only for the materialistic things, but as a role model and a shaper of their lives. Not only do I owe it to myself, but I owe to them...and to all those that love and care about me.

So, what have I discovered?

Well....yeah....10 pounds turns into 20, which turn into 30, 40, 50 and much, much, more and pretty soon you are very much quite the opposite of the “shadow of your former self”. HA! So addressing the weight issue has so many different layers. Obviously, there are the health issues and just plain not being “hot” anymore. Those are easy. But…what did it really do to me? I lost my self-confidence. I was not the object of desire anymore. I did not have men fawn over me like they used to. I could go on and on about what it is to be overweight in this society and maybe that will be my next blog. But for now, the most important realization is what it did to my psyche. I turned inward, I did not want to draw attention to myself. I had the self doubts…who is going to pay attention to me? I was dismissed so many times because of the way that I looked (look), it really affected me in ways beyond just a self image. Like I said, I lost my self respect. Weight loss turned into a punishment. I had the mentality of like, well…if you don’t like me for who I am, then I am not going to change…that will show you. YIKES!

But…I started losing weight. Health issues started to get better. None of my clothes fit anymore. I go shopping and still automatically reach for the largest size and am slowly learning…no, I don’t need that anymore. Now I actually take smaller sizes and go try them on and often I need even smaller. My jeans are falling off of me (literally), because I actually can’t afford to keep buying new ones to keep up with the smaller sizes. All that is great and fantastic. But, you know what is even better? My self confidence is coming back. I can look people in the eye. I can realize shallowness from those that still dismiss me and know that is THEIR problem, not mine. I still have a long way to go, and I know it’s going to take a while…but I am doing it and I WILL do it. Yes, I want that healthy girl back (I know the SKINNY girl is long gone…I am 42 after all)….but more importantly, I want my self confidence back.

What else?

Well…I am done with being the push over. I gave up, I gave in just to keep the peace because I hate conflict. I settled, which is possibly the worst thing of all. Now, I am not going to say I am going to turn into the raving bitch from hell; demanding my way or no way. But along with the new found self confidence, I find I don’t have to settle anymore. Of course, this all easy to say on paper…it’s putting this into action that counts and is the block I need to overcome. Sometimes refusing to settle is letting go of the things you want the most, and that is a very, very hard thing to do. But, I can pick my battles if you will. Settling does not always have to be a bad thing….often it goes hand in hand with compromise. The first step is to realize if you are just settling…and then, what are you going to do about it. Is it worth it? Will it ultimately make things worse? Or, can it be the compromise you hope. I guess the question is what are you setting about or for? How will it affect you?

Without going into details…I finally stood up for myself in something major, and I feel really good about it. It’s like breaking the seal on something…I now know I can do this going forward. Of course, I still have a modicum of guilt, but I did it, it worked, and the world did not end.

Going Forward….

What am I going to do going forward? I so envy my friend who has such a drive and a passion. I said to him tonight…I was antsy and I finally figured out why. So much has changed in the past few weeks and days even. It’s like all the things he has been saying to me over the past few months have finally sunk in. All the positive changes that I need to make are finally bubbling up. I have always heard them; I knew they were there…but my self punishment was not allowing me to make them. But for whatever reason…I think I am finally hearing them and ready for them.

One of them is realizing, that yes, maybe…I do have a talent for writing and editing. My friend is an incredible writer and is working on yet another novel. He graciously allows me to read his work in progress and listens to my suggestions. We both discovered that I am actually pretty good at editing and coming up with suggestions. So, maybe this is something that I need to start to pursue on a higher level. Of course, writing this blog more than once a year is probably a good place to start.

I just want to be excited about something and have that passion. It would be fulfilling on so many levels. Again, it’s the self confidence…can I write something that anyone would be interested in? At least I know that is not a unique way of thinking…all writers probably feel the same way at some point.

What are your thoughts?

And finally….

I do apologize for this random stream of consciousness. I think it’s definitely more of a confessional for me. I do not regret the end of my marriage as the alternative would be for us to stay together and that is just not a good thing for anyone. Me, Tom, or the children. Of course, no one wants a marriage to end and I suppose I do regret the THEORY of my marriage ending, but not the actual marriage. One thing I am struggling with is that at times, I do have a lot of anger. Anger that I am in a position of having to be a single mom, of having to sell my house, of moving into a smaller condo, of what this may or may not be doing to the children (although, they seem to have adjusted well). Anger at the financial position and toll it has taken on us and that I can’t give my kids everything they deserve. Anger at the prospect of facing the future alone. What makes all this worse, is I have no where to place all this anger. Its both of our faults. And wishing things were different would be to wish we get back together, which neither of us want. I can say that with 100% certainty. But, I think I am learning the old cliché of taking that anger and channeling it into something good. Cliches are clichés for a reason…they are tried and true.

Ok, so that was all very heavy. I promise, next year’s entry will be about my new Coach purse, my new iPhone, and all the BLING I am sure to receive from someone in particular!

So…in closing…let me leave you with this quote which really sums everything up for me:

"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." - E.M. Forster.

And so today, starts the rest of my life....