Hope Springs Eternal

I told you….I might actually get more than one blog entry out this year. Now, that is hope! A friend and I were chatting and the subject of hope came up, something she has been thinking about a lot lately. She had written the below, which I would really like to share as in many ways, it really does hit home. The politics aside…the important message is keep hope alive. We all talk about it…but do we really practice it? We are constantly bombarded with news items that are just shocking…how can the human race behave in such a way? And then, the media will try and balance it out with a human interest story and we all say “Awww….” And then we forward it on Facebook and YouTube and emails and tweets….and then promptly forget about it.

But how many of us actually have true hope? And what is hope?

So, I admit, this blog entry is the lazy man’s blog…in that I am not really the one that is writing it. I am merely the vessel this time for someone that really should PUBLISH HER OWN BLOG. Just saying…

“Hope” by KTP

"When finally forced to listen, they are unable to hear. I heard that on the radio the other day and it struck a chord. Later that week I heard it in a song. He said “We have the right to free speech, but we need to exercise our right to listen” There are so many people involved in protests to occupy Wall Street. That turned into people occupying EVERYWHERE. Yes, it’s a right, a right to assemble…with a permit.

A friend sent me a picture of “Occupy Norfolk”, it was two dirty hippies. Eventually the “weekend protesters” showed up to help the hippies with their cause. The permit expired and the city police had to come in and remove people. On the news I saw two cops in riot gear carrying a chick out of the park as she was singing some protest song, as if she was fighting for civil rights in the 60s. It rubbed me the wrong way.

I’m all for standing up for what you believe in and exercising your rights. However, I think there are more important things to stand up for and speak about, to lobby for and to find a solution for right now. That clip of the chick being carried out keeps running through my mind. It seems as if they are all lemmings. It could be a grass roots movement, but do they know what they are there for? Are they really occupied every day with what’s happening on Wall Street? Do they realize that climate change is happening, and fully understand the impact it will have on where we live? Do they think about cleaning up the waterways? Or helping the service men and women coming home, again, in our community? Or helping kids? Or improving health care? Or education? Or unemployment? Or violence and crime in our community? They are singing and chanting and making signs, but are they listening? Are they trying to make a change, or just bitching and showing their strange right to entitlement their generation, but more so the next generations, seem to have. I don’t get it.

And why is it like that? Has everything just been handed to everyone? Do parents just give in and give kids whatever they want? Is life too easy? Is it too hard? Do we try as much as we should? Do we work hard enough? Does a moral compass exist? Where is the compassion I use to see?

HOPE?

Is the world so messed up that we have given up? I know I feel like giving up on society. I feel that way most of the time.

My friend gives me hope. Hope for sunny days. Hope for the future. Hope for a change, a change for the better. Hope that I won’t have nightmares and night terrors for the rest of my life. Hope that I’ll be whole again. Hope that I’ll be strong someday. Hope when we find small pockets of kindness and compassion.

I have had to slim my search for hope down to noticing hope in very minute acts of kindness. Just in a simple action of someone holding the door open for another person entering or exiting a store. The fact they came out of their own little world for a moment to look behind them, pause, hold the door open for someone, and hearing that tiny response “thanks”. It’s dreadful how often that doesn’t happen. Or the simple text message I get from a friend every morning to simply to wish me a good day. That gives me a lot of hope.

I’m in no way perfect. I know I’m a screw up. I try to be good, good as I can be. I try to pay attention to what I do and say. I often do and say the wrong things. I try to fix what I break. I try to apologize, be honest, be kind, and have compassion…. I try.

I hear hope in children laughing. I see a glimpse of it when strangers say good morning. I saw hope in a friend’s tear-filled eyes as I hugged him and whispered in his ear “I got you”. I feel it when I skip rocks. I wish for it as I watch the sunrise on a new day.

I have lost hope, found it, set it on fire, lost it again. I feel so defeated. I’m starting my own grassroots movement, my own “occupy something”. I’m trying to find hope anywhere I can and spread it to one person at a time. Maybe they’ll hold the door open for the next person, and maybe others will do the same. Maybe people will stop seeing all the negativity and look for the positivity that is going on around them.

Stop and listen, there’s a revolution underway.”

I think she completely nails it. We can all hope for the big things and changes in life. But really, it’s the small things that matter the most. That is what real change and hope are built on. It’s like that TV commercial that is a “pay it forward” thing…it’s the little things that keep life and hope going. Could you imagine what would happen if we all did something, even something small and seemingly meaningless? But imagine if we ALL did that, what kind of impact would it have on the world in general?

So, what truly is hope? Is it wishful thinking? Is it an unwavering belief in something, anything? What does hope mean to you? Hope to me also means to believe. You HAVE to believe in something, even if you believe in nothing. Without faith, and I don't mean religion, but the belief in something, we really all are nothing.

And here is a thought. What if we all gave up on hope? What if we all said, "Oh well, it's never going to happen to me, so why bother?" Giving up on hope and faith and the belief in something good, is giving up on life. I picture the bleak, dreary, gray non-existence of a post apocalyptic world.

So, how does this all apply to me? I think her last paragraph really speaks to me. I feel so much like that….all part of the new ME. Sure, I can be mopey and woe-is me…but that gets you nowhere, and nowhere fast. I am looking for my own “occupy something”. Instead of forwarding cute little “aww” stories on Facebook…how about living and creating the “aww” stories? Make my own. I know it’s not Thanksgiving, because I am not lying on the coach, bloated with my pants unbuttoned trying to position myself so that I can even just breath because I am so freaking full…but maybe it’s time for the “What I Am Thankful For” Checklist. I don’t really want to list it out here now. Besides, what will I write about at Thanksgiving? But…I am thinking about it in my mind.

During our chat session, my friend also came out with this gem “….the other side of it. You have to see and appreciate the little things people do for you too…” That is so very true as well. Taking the time to stop thinking about me, me, me…and realizing and accepting what others do for me. How they are generating their own hope, and for me to really appreciate it and to let them know that I do.

So, seriously….this blog entry really was written by KTP. I am just a really good cut and paster. But, it’s a lot of food for thought.

So…finally, she also sent me a little poem thing (she was ON FIRE today!) which the last line I feel like I should get tattooed somewhere (no suggestions from the Peanut Gallery on where…but we know where it would fit….sigh….)

“Falling down is part of life…Getting back up is living” Word.

Ok, and before anyone’s knickers get in a twist….I think my next blogginess will be devoted to FRIENDS. (Not the TV show…although that would really be super cool. I had a dream once that Rachel and I were best friends and we were soooo cool!) But Friends in life. What are friends and what they mean to me. YOU will definitely know who YOU are….xoxox

Till Soon…

Kerri

“I am my own Columbus...or…a bizarro stream of blogging consciousness late one night when left to my own devices…”

So the yearly, possibly bi-yearly, blog entry is upon us. Why now? I have found myself in my own Age of Discovery. The past year and, well, really, several years, have been a time of change -- profound and complete, utter change. Along with that change, comes new discoveries. I shall attempt to explain....

However, where should I even start? Well...the obvious...the beginning, the catalyst of it all is that Tom and I separated over a year ago and are getting a divorce. Quite a shock to some. Well...a shock to me (us) as well...but expected. Really, we have not been in love in years...we are still very close, but that is all we have been....close friends, and that does not solely a marriage make. So, as hard it was, we decided enough is enough and we both deserved more. Of course, it was not as easy and cut and dry as that, and there was more to it than that. How can one be married for 14 years and just say oh well, it was fun, but time to move on. You can't. There are the self doubts....could I have done more, could we have done more? Can we try again? What about the children? The answers are no, I could not have done more, WE could not have done more, and quite frankly, we finally admitted we did not want to do more. Yes, there were anger and tears and soul tearing pain, but if there wasn't, then that really does invalidate the past 14 years and where does that leave you? To have a 14 year hole in your life?

Of course, that hole is filled with wonderful memories....and the most important thing of all....the true loves of both our lives...our 3 children. One of my personal quotes is "Nothing is a mistake if you learn from it"....and I have turned to this thought often over the past year. Perhaps it was a mistake that Tom and I got married. Possibly we both mistook loving each other for being truly in love. I am not really sure I can say. It doesn't matter. We have three wonderful children, we still love and respect each other, and we have learned and grown from it all. The how and why we arrived here is not important. What is important is that we did before it was too late.

So what have I learned?

Wow...so many things. Somewhere along the way, I lost myself. I had the "perfect" life. I had the husband that I enjoyed being around and we NEVER fought. I had the house, I had the career, I had the children. I was living what I had always dreamed of when I was younger. But, looking back...I realized how much of a facade it all was. I lost ME. I let myself go...both physically and mentally. I lost that girl with the fire in her eyes and the drive and determination to BE someone and to do something that would leave a mark...not matter how trivial it was. Of course, my children are my lasting mark and I promise to them and to myself that it will be worthwhile. But...again, somewhere along the way, I lost ME. I was playing the part, and honestly, playing it badly. What this divorce, this year of change, has shown me is that now, more than ever, I need to find that fire in my eyes and find my way again. I need to do this for myself and for my children. I feel like I am waiting for something, but I don't know what.

I recently met someone very special and dear to me. (And oh good lord...that is a blogginess in itself....), but they have caused me to re-examine myself, no holds barred, gloves off. At times it has been painful and I have not liked what I have seen. But, above all...they have forced me to honest. I, more than possibly anyone, know that you can't hid from yourself in the dark of night. I can play the spitfire part during the day...but you cannot lie to yourself as you lay in bed in the dark. That is when the "ugly" truths come out. But...not all the truths are ugly and that is what I am slowly accepting. Everything is in my power to change. I am talking about becoming that girl again with the fire and the drive and the ambitions and the desires and the love. My friend asks me often...how badly do I want it? I want it so badly, it hurts. And I realize this is a make or break time of it. I need to grow up. I have 3 little people who are depending on me...not only for the materialistic things, but as a role model and a shaper of their lives. Not only do I owe it to myself, but I owe to them...and to all those that love and care about me.

So, what have I discovered?

Well....yeah....10 pounds turns into 20, which turn into 30, 40, 50 and much, much, more and pretty soon you are very much quite the opposite of the “shadow of your former self”. HA! So addressing the weight issue has so many different layers. Obviously, there are the health issues and just plain not being “hot” anymore. Those are easy. But…what did it really do to me? I lost my self-confidence. I was not the object of desire anymore. I did not have men fawn over me like they used to. I could go on and on about what it is to be overweight in this society and maybe that will be my next blog. But for now, the most important realization is what it did to my psyche. I turned inward, I did not want to draw attention to myself. I had the self doubts…who is going to pay attention to me? I was dismissed so many times because of the way that I looked (look), it really affected me in ways beyond just a self image. Like I said, I lost my self respect. Weight loss turned into a punishment. I had the mentality of like, well…if you don’t like me for who I am, then I am not going to change…that will show you. YIKES!

But…I started losing weight. Health issues started to get better. None of my clothes fit anymore. I go shopping and still automatically reach for the largest size and am slowly learning…no, I don’t need that anymore. Now I actually take smaller sizes and go try them on and often I need even smaller. My jeans are falling off of me (literally), because I actually can’t afford to keep buying new ones to keep up with the smaller sizes. All that is great and fantastic. But, you know what is even better? My self confidence is coming back. I can look people in the eye. I can realize shallowness from those that still dismiss me and know that is THEIR problem, not mine. I still have a long way to go, and I know it’s going to take a while…but I am doing it and I WILL do it. Yes, I want that healthy girl back (I know the SKINNY girl is long gone…I am 42 after all)….but more importantly, I want my self confidence back.

What else?

Well…I am done with being the push over. I gave up, I gave in just to keep the peace because I hate conflict. I settled, which is possibly the worst thing of all. Now, I am not going to say I am going to turn into the raving bitch from hell; demanding my way or no way. But along with the new found self confidence, I find I don’t have to settle anymore. Of course, this all easy to say on paper…it’s putting this into action that counts and is the block I need to overcome. Sometimes refusing to settle is letting go of the things you want the most, and that is a very, very hard thing to do. But, I can pick my battles if you will. Settling does not always have to be a bad thing….often it goes hand in hand with compromise. The first step is to realize if you are just settling…and then, what are you going to do about it. Is it worth it? Will it ultimately make things worse? Or, can it be the compromise you hope. I guess the question is what are you setting about or for? How will it affect you?

Without going into details…I finally stood up for myself in something major, and I feel really good about it. It’s like breaking the seal on something…I now know I can do this going forward. Of course, I still have a modicum of guilt, but I did it, it worked, and the world did not end.

Going Forward….

What am I going to do going forward? I so envy my friend who has such a drive and a passion. I said to him tonight…I was antsy and I finally figured out why. So much has changed in the past few weeks and days even. It’s like all the things he has been saying to me over the past few months have finally sunk in. All the positive changes that I need to make are finally bubbling up. I have always heard them; I knew they were there…but my self punishment was not allowing me to make them. But for whatever reason…I think I am finally hearing them and ready for them.

One of them is realizing, that yes, maybe…I do have a talent for writing and editing. My friend is an incredible writer and is working on yet another novel. He graciously allows me to read his work in progress and listens to my suggestions. We both discovered that I am actually pretty good at editing and coming up with suggestions. So, maybe this is something that I need to start to pursue on a higher level. Of course, writing this blog more than once a year is probably a good place to start.

I just want to be excited about something and have that passion. It would be fulfilling on so many levels. Again, it’s the self confidence…can I write something that anyone would be interested in? At least I know that is not a unique way of thinking…all writers probably feel the same way at some point.

What are your thoughts?

And finally….

I do apologize for this random stream of consciousness. I think it’s definitely more of a confessional for me. I do not regret the end of my marriage as the alternative would be for us to stay together and that is just not a good thing for anyone. Me, Tom, or the children. Of course, no one wants a marriage to end and I suppose I do regret the THEORY of my marriage ending, but not the actual marriage. One thing I am struggling with is that at times, I do have a lot of anger. Anger that I am in a position of having to be a single mom, of having to sell my house, of moving into a smaller condo, of what this may or may not be doing to the children (although, they seem to have adjusted well). Anger at the financial position and toll it has taken on us and that I can’t give my kids everything they deserve. Anger at the prospect of facing the future alone. What makes all this worse, is I have no where to place all this anger. Its both of our faults. And wishing things were different would be to wish we get back together, which neither of us want. I can say that with 100% certainty. But, I think I am learning the old cliché of taking that anger and channeling it into something good. Cliches are clichés for a reason…they are tried and true.

Ok, so that was all very heavy. I promise, next year’s entry will be about my new Coach purse, my new iPhone, and all the BLING I am sure to receive from someone in particular!

So…in closing…let me leave you with this quote which really sums everything up for me:

"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." - E.M. Forster.

And so today, starts the rest of my life....

Missed Me?

And so, the first entry in the epic re-blogging of my blogginess….a reader submission topic. Hey, this may just pan out…I can combine my love of being lazy, with my love of writing. Oh, I can churn out the BS like there is no tomorrow…it’s just what BS to churn out that gets me stuck. I don’t know how all these bloggy people do it. Like for instance, my over achiever Martha friend (you know who you are), who can turn out a fantastic, non-boring weekly article. How?

Well, anyway…today’s topic….Raising our Kids on Bribes and Threats….And remember: I have no Golden Answers. You are not going to leave her with the magic formula and have life changing experiences. I am just having a little chat with myself and you. Of course…if YOU have the Golden Answer…then for the love of Yo Gabba Gabba, PLEASE share it with the class. This is a give and take.

So, we all have heard the party lines of how to get our kids to bend to our will, I mean, do what they are supposed to do. Well, actually, I haven’t heard it yet. Maybe that is why my kids just completely ignore me. God love them…but they are the three most spoiled kids you have ever met. And yes….I have no one to blame but myself. I let them get away with crap. I don’t follow through with my threats. I bribe them with ridiculous things. I reward for behavior that should just be for granted.

I am the “before” picture of raising children. The one that is in black and white and the woman is all crazy haired and damn near kills herself trying to accomplish whatever the “before” task is.

So, how do I become the shiny, full color, rainbows and butterflies “After” picture? I recently appealed to the masses in my real life (I mean electronic, internet social network that did not replace all my real-life interactions) Facebook Peeps for suggestions on how to tame the wild beasts. For several nights now, I have been reduced to sputtering as a Mommy Comeback because I am just clean out of punishments. Nothing seems to get through. I have tried grounding, no tv, no wii, no toys, no playdates. I have threatened no Cub Scouts, Karate or swimming lessons. I have been the calm, reasonable Mom that quietly explains the reason for the punishment. I have been the freak out, grabbed everything and thrown it in the trash Mom (that scares even me). I have cried, I have nagged, wheedled and dealed more the Price is Right. I have done the reverse psychology of “Fine…do what you want I don’t care…” (which they are doing anyway hence this whole topic…).

I have praised the most minuscule good behavior. I have made reward charts, money jars, time back for good behavior. Aghhh!!!!!!!!!!!

Everyone had excellent suggestions that worked with their kids. But, I suspect…that is after someone having a big meltdown (either parent or child). Some of them were chores, time outs, loss of privileges….

I am sure there are like 50 million books on this topic and I should probably check some of them out. But, in my heart of hearts, I know what I need to do. I need to become more strict (but in a positive way) and not let them get away with the shenanigans. I need to follow through…if I say no x without doing x…then I need to stick to my guns and mean it. I should not threaten with something unless I am prepared to carry through with it. My main infractee (is that a word…or is it infractor? Don’t know, don’t care), has made a comment like “I knew you were going to give me that back…”. HELLO???? If that is not a slap in the head right here.

Even though it may break my heart to see them really cry and beg, if there is no party….then there is no party.

On the flip side…even though I may praise him for something good, I tend to add in a negative as well. I should just remember to just let it be the good thing and leave it at that. But, I should not over praise or over reward for something he should be doing in the first place.

I need to pick my battles and stop and think…is it worth it? For him? For me?

I may not have really stuck to the main topic of bribes and threats. Raising children, for those of you that have them, is as you know…a make it up as you go. You can take suggestions and advice and if you are lucky 1 in 10 of these may work with your kid. The rest is by the seat of our pants. Them vs. Us…….so far, THEM is winning…..Help!

xoxox

Kerri

Through the eyes of a child...

I know I have been lax on my blogging as of late. I lay the blame solely on my good friend Jaleh, who writes a wonderful weekly article and steals all my ideas. Ok, she may not steal them per se since she is writing about them first…but I always read her articles and say yeah, that would have made a good blog…never mind. And so, I am left with nothing.

This one shall be short and sweet. It’s Christmas Eve (did you notice?) and I have to say this year…I am almost more excited that the children are. I guess because Addison is 6 now and inching closer to the that fence of whether or not Santa is real. I know the inevitable will come and he will first straddle the fence and then leap over it. But this year…he is still 100% a believer and it just warms my heart. He believes so honestly it’s infectious. Maybe there is a Santa Clause after all. One of my Facebook friends was confronted by her child and demanded the truth. Not willing to just say bluntly, there is no Santa…all a big lie, she told the following explanation. Long ago, there was a Santa Clause that helped all the little children. When he died, a little piece of his soul went into the hearts of all the mommies and daddies in the world and those yet to come. So, Mommy and Daddy carry on the Santa tradition so that Santa can live on. When you become a Mommy or Daddy, you will find your little piece of Santa in your heart and help keep his memory alive. I think that is perfect.

This year, we have been doing the Elf on the Shelf. Addison insists that we leave “Elfian” a cookie as well. And the reindeer need carrots and water as well. And he is very concerned, and in fact confessed he had worried about ALL DAY at school, that the firewood is blocking the fireplace opening and Santa may not be able to get down. We remedied that asap.

And through the eyes of a child…this has become one of my favorite Christmas memories: A few Christmas’ ago, Addison and I were lying in bed Christmas eve as I was desperately trying to get him to go to sleep as I had much still to do. We were talking about Santa and the sleigh and did maybe we hear some hoofs on the roofs? I mentioned something about jingle bells, when all of a sudden, we heard for real….jingle bells! Addison and I stared at each other wide-eyed and burst into giggles. He said “Mama…I heard them, I heard them!” I shouted, “I did too!” I was so surprised and so excited, I actually had tears in my eyes. We talk about it every year now. A silent thank you to our mystery ringer for giving me a memory to cherish forever.

For some reason this year, I got my Christmas groove on and not only got cards out early, I wrapped all the presents and have completed all the incidental shopping. Needless to say, the plethora of presents under the tree have been quite the temptation for Young Master Addison. As always, we have spoiled the children horrendously with insane amounts of presents. I tried to be good and rationalize by not buying one huge, expensive gift; I would save money and get several smaller gifts. WRONG! But, there is just something about hundreds (ok, 34 to be exact…but that is for all 5 of us) of presents under the tree. Every day, he has come up with a new and fantastic excuse to open one, or some, early. And they say children have no imaginations anymore! I have been quite impressed with his negotiation tactics…one being that if I let him open some now, I won’t have as much mess to clean up Christmas morning. So thoughtful is my son.

The babies have just been excited about the tree, the ornaments, the Twinkle Twinkle (The star on top). Pictures of our tree don’t do it justice, but this year the twins helped decorate. There is a definite consolidation of ornaments right about toddler height, with two or three hung on the same poor twig. They don’t realize there are toys in the presents (yet. Big Brother was helpful pointing that out to them the other day. I think it was a ploy to get them to open some, so he could, in all things being fair and equal, then get to open some as well)…they just can’t resist the bows and bright paper of the actual present. They will appear in a room clutching a package; grinning from ear to ear.

I wish that we could be with our families; I miss them all so much, especially at the holidays, however there is also something to be said for just the 5 of us enjoying the day with leisure. This year too, we have been talking more about the true meaning of Christmas and how it’s better to give than receive. (Note to Tom: You would feel better to GIVE me the iTouch 64 gig and I promise to not rejoice in the receiving of it too much…….)

So to all of you out there…Merry Christmas…Happy Holidays and enjoy the season. Remember what it stands for no matter what religion you are…Good Will and Peace Towards Man.

I have no business being 40!

I am official 40 years and 30 days old today.

What?!?!!? That is just crazy talk. Since when did I become 40? And middle aged? My husband very helpfully pointed out that we are now officially middle-aged.

Have you ever just stopped, and metaphorically looked around you? You cruise along, minding your own business and living your life in a bubble of memories coupled with the right now. Meaning, your just doing what you are doing. Then, you stop and look around. What the h-e-double hockey sticks happened? Where has the time gone? Wait, my parents are how old? They have grandkids? Wait, *I* have kids??????

All of a sudden it hits you. I am 40. I am raising children. I have a marriage. I have a career. I am responsible(ish). I have a will, life insurance and a mortgage. Huh. Really….when did this happen? As the saying goes, you are only as old as you feel. Well…physically I feel about 75, so that doesn’t count. Mentally, I feel like I should have stopped around 26. Instead of having birthdays, I have been celebrating the ANNIVERSARY of my 26th birthday…so this past one was the 14th Anniversary of my 26th birthday. But even now…that seems a bit off the mark. I think I have reached the mental age of maybe 33? That seems more comfortable.

Just another example of getting older. I had to readjust my fake birthday. And how about those celebrity crushes? Take my Red Sox for example…there are several good looking young players on the team that I am sure all the clip-clop girls and teenies all pine over…..but do you know who my Red Sox crush is? Tim Wakefield…age 43. Why? He is solid, dependable and really good looking. Sure, I appreciate a young toy boy; they might be nice to look at but that’s it. I need more than that. I find it amusing that an “older” man will catch my eye easier than a young “hottie”.

My age definitions have changed. I remember 40 being OLD…well, now that’s me. And I am not old. I can still rock out with the best of them…I still listen to rock radio on 11 in the car (without the children of course)…I still laugh myself silly over movies like “Zach and Mira Make a Porno” and “Superbad” (ok, some of those were shocking even for a hipster like me…). But, you get the point.

But, here is where everything changes….

I began writing this on Veteran’s Day. I just forwarded a wonderful email about how our petty complaints compare to what our vets and soldiers have gone through in support of our freedom. I received back a response from someone that was two-fold. She recently lost her son, who was 35, to a long battle with ALS. Here is her response:

“Kerri,So very true! I think about these same things often...I find myself having to hold my tongue at times too, when people complain about how growing old is so awful. Do they know how lucky they are? Particularly when they are healthy. Bless you for supporting our troops. Love, M-“

Wow…this stopped me in my tracks. God works in mysterious ways! I was going to continue on with the typical age jokes, etc. but really, I need to stop and think. I Am blessed to be 40! I am blessed that my parents are in their late 60’s and healthy. I am blessed that my children are growing healthy and strong. While I may lament the passing of each milestone, I should remember that we are blessed to have these milestones, and to be thankful for each one.

So, while you might all of a sudden realize, OMG..I am 40! Who cares? Find it funny, embrace it and life and be thankful you have had the chance to be 40. Besides….isn’t it the new 30?

xoxox

Kerri

Let Them Eat Cake!

Well…after the last post of woe-is-me, it's toooooo hard being a parent….I thought maybe I should look at the opposite. All the great things about being a parent. Now, I have been told and I think it is true..I was born to be a mommy. I can't pass up the opportunity to pick up a kid and give them a cuddle. At day care, all my little "friends" come up to me and want hugs and kisses (my own children usually just ignore me when I say goodbye, despite the chorus' of goodbyes from the other friends…). I still have to go into the Infant Room and get my baby fix, even though my kids have long outgrown that room. If we weren't so poor, and my husband would divorce me…I would have even more kids. I would go for triplets this time…twins were too easy. Bring it!

Their sweet little hands and feet. I am a sucker for baby feet…playing with them when they curl their toes around, and tickling them. I love their little one-tooth smiles…I even love their bottom lip pouts when they are not getting their way. The big crocodile tears that (usually) are so easily fixed with a some hugs and tickles. A favorite trick with the toddler and older set when they are pouting and sad is I say "There better not be any smiles in there….there better not be any smiles in there!"….guaranteed they smile and laugh despite struggling to maintain the pout. How easy would it be to march up to an enemy in war and say…"There better not be any smiles in there…." and solve the world problems. That would be nice.

I love how easy it is to make them happy…it's the little things. Sometimes your first reaction is the standard "No"…you really don't have a good reason not to let them do whatever, but that is just what came out first. I have to stop myself and say, is it really that big of a deal? Why couldn't I just have said "yes"? I then make a big show and debate over the issue and all the while they are standing there, holding their breath, waiting with big round eyes for me to "decide"…..and then I say…"Yes, you may". You would have thought they won the lottery what with all the jumping and clapping and squealing. Of course, now that my son is 6, he tries to catch himself before doing all that and replaces it with a "Sweet", pulling his elbow back in that cool kid motion.

Cake for Breakfast. Enough said. I think I have maybe let him have cake for breakfast twice. One time he asked and I said yes, and one time I suggested it. Both times he nearly fainted dead on the floor. He still talks about it…he can tell you what kind of cake, what day it was, what he was wearing, where we sat to eat it, what the Dow Jones average was and what was playing on TLC. Something so small and trivial can have the biggest impact. I have never felt so good about something and that is a moment I too will always remember. And then there are the boo-boo cuddles. When they are not really hurt, but they lay their head on your shoulder, still crying, but give you little pats. You stroke their hair, rock them back and forth and sing them your special song. A kiss from mommy on the boo-boo and in a split second, they are magically cured and off and running. My favorite boo-boo story was when my oldest son fell and hurt his bum-bum. He came to find me, turned around and presented his bum and said he needed a boo-boo kiss. He was about 3, and very serious. What's a Mommy to do? Of course I gave him a kiss, laughing all the time, and sent him on his way, magically cured as always.

I am continually amazed at their development. Watching them grow from a tiny infant, to a never still toddler, to a (almost) big boy 6 year old is like a live-in science / social experiment. How quick and fast they learn. That is one of my greatest joys; being able to teach them something new and watch as they try it out. Each "I did it!" exclamation fills me with the same sense of accomplishment.

Hugs and kisses, silly dances, made up songs, playing and sharing with each other, boo-boo kisses, tickle fights, falling asleep in your arms, watching butterflies and birdies flying, reading stories, playing chase me, cake for breakfast, unconditional love…….

xox

Kerri

What? Parenting is hard? Who said?

I don't know why people would complain that parenting is hard. Once I read through the 876,548,992 page manual "Step by Step - How to be a parent" that they gave me at the hospital, it has been so easy... IN BIZZARO WORLD...

So, shocker...being a parent is really, really hard! As we know, there are no real manuals; there is almost no-one that can tell you what to do and it's going to actually work. This is all by the seat of your pants...and my pants are pretty thin.

I don't mean to alienate anyone reading that does not have children...but it might help to explain our irrational behavior at times. First, I love all 3 of my children more than life itself. They are my total world and existence and I really mean that. However, there are times when being a parent just really, really sucks!

What is being a parent? There are the basic elements - the physical care and feeding of your child; the clothing; education; the basic fundamental needs. Then there are the moral obligations if you will; teaching your child right from wrong; how to love; share; be friends, what is socially acceptable, etc. These are the hardest...am I doing this right? What if I am doing it wrong, am I scarring them for life? I mean, I am not perfect myself...what if I have been doing it wrong all these years and now I am supposed to teach someone else? It's very scary when you stop and think about it.

I started thinking about this topic recently as my oldest son has been having some "issues". He just started 1st grade and came from a very loosy-goosy private kindergarten that our daycare had. So it was going from a free-for-all class of 6, to a for real this is big kid now class of 25 in a real live school. Needless to say...there have been some adjustments. (Re. the 6 afore mentioned phone calls from the school...). He's acting out a bit in class; mainly talking too much (can't imagine where he got that from!). He has some trouble focusing and paying attention. But the disturbing bit is he is getting into some altercations with other kids. Some he is just retaliating, and some he started. He also has been acting up at home, more than normal. What makes all this worse, is this is not like him. I know it's the Mama Mantra of "This is not my boy, he would never do anything like that. It's not like him". Well...on one hand that is true, but on the other, he did. If he was like this constantly, then maybe it would be easier because we have something concrete to deal with and to expect. But, he is usually so sweet and even natured, that this phase is hard to understand.

Now, I know this a little bit normal for 6 year old boys and I should not get over freaky. And really, his transgressions are not the main point here. The main point, is how do we handle? This is where it gets hard. My husband and I have finally seen a pattern; the harder we come down on him, the worse he gets. It's a vicious cycle of which everyone is a loser. He cries, I cry; we all get frustrated. There are times where I just want to give up and say fine, forget it, do what you want, I don't care. And I have said that. And I have felt like the biggest failure as a parent. And surprisingly, he doesn't like it either. He looks at me like, what? I am not getting in trouble? He is confused, and I know that even he knows he needs boundaries, limits, and the dreaded consequences.

But, this is what I signed up for,right? I love the smiles, the games, the giggles, the wet, sloppy kisses, the sweet hugs and cuddles. I love when they learn new things and are so excited. I just love when they are happy. It would be wonderful if that was all it is, but it's not. So, here is where we take the good with the bad. And this is where being a parent can suck. Who wants to make their child cry because you have punished them? You can only use your parent tune-out for so long before you realize how upset they truly are. But, you have to stand your ground...and it is your responsibility to do this. You can't give up on them, or yourself. Sometimes, it takes every ounce of my energy to not completely lose it on them...the frustration just builds so much. This is when I know I just have to remove myself from the situation. Tom and I have learned when to butt in on each other and suggest the other one just walk away for a bit. I am very lucky to have such a wonderful partner that can help me, and I him.

And the thing is...he is only 6! We have many, many more years of this. And I have a feeling being a parent never actually ends, even when they grow up and have their own family. I just recently witnessed this with my own mother. My parents were here for a visit and my son and I were having a typical stand off. I could see my mother struggling with something within herself. I know she desperately wanted to put in her two cents, but on the other hand, she knew I needed to do this myself as the mother, whether I was doing it right or wrong. The old live and learn lesson. She was torn with being the parent (to me) and being an observer.

I guess what kills me the most, is you just want your child to be happy. No matter what or how. And sometimes that is just not possible. We can't make the other kids like them; we can't stop him from doing dumb things, we can't make him remember "Oh, if I do this...I will get in trouble like last time".

What we can do is be there and love him. My old saying is that sometimes, you just have to stop and hold the baby. I learned this from the beginning...you might be busy, you might not be in the mood, but sometimes, they just really need you and you just have to stop and hold the baby. That baby might be 3 months old, be 6 years old, be 18 years old, but you still just need to stop. And amazingly, it will do yourself a world of good as well.

I know a lot of this was disjointed, it was more getting it off my chest. Admitting to myself that it IS hard, I don't have all the answers and there are going to be times that I just want to walk away and say whatever, but I can't. This is what being a parent is about....

Long story short...we have eased up a bit on the punishments, have worked out smiley face systems where if he gets x number of smiley faces from school and home then he gets a treat. (not toys, but something special like lunch out with Mom, or go to a movie or something.) I have been letting him set schedules and have more control. It seems to be working. He is doing much, much better at school and at home.

Sure, this is not over...sure there are going to be setbacks. (Call me tonight around 8 when he is still at the table pushing the peas around on his plate...), but we are all in this together. I hope this helps somewhat...knowing there is someone else feeling the same way maybe? I am willing to bet one or two of you might have felt like this a little. And if not....did you really read the 876,548,992 page manual and can you lend it me????

And for the love of all things parenting...if you have any pearls of wisdom...please share with the class!

And finally, to answer the question...is it worth it??? Absolutely and emphatically YES! For every hysterical meltdown, there are 10 times the laughing and giggles and kisses and funny sayings and silly dances and made up songs and pure love. So yes, definately worth it.

What did I learn today? Don't eat chili at work...ooh...both gross and childish...a two-fer for you. I can't be serious all the time! :-)

xox

Kerri